The Ugliest Fucking Tapestry

My ex’s mom was the devil. She was Satan incarnate, and there is absolutely nothing that will ever change my opinion about that. She was the mother of all mother in law’s, hiding behind poorly applied lipstick that migrated past her teeth to bleed into the crow’s feet around her lips and a self-applied haircut, which made no sense, given that she was a wealthy house-wife in an uppity area of Toronto. Bitch, you calling me fat? Best buy a lip-liner before you be criticizing me.

She liked to give us ugly gifts. I’m still torn as to whether or not the hideousness of them was a ‘fuck you’ gesture hiding behind faux-sweetness, or whether she just genuinely had no taste. Given that her (very expensive) house was decorated with things like dominoes glued to the stairs and random sticks she had found out on walks in her Beaches neighborhood, I want to say it was accidental, but she was the devil, so I’m going to have to ascribe her motives to spite. The gifts included a cookie jar in the shape of a frog, laughing and clutching its belly, a painting done at a lady’s paint night which she once broke into our apartment and stole back because it wasn’t displayed in a prominent enough location, a variety of dying plants, threadbare discarded furniture and a wicker magazine holder. And the tapestry depicting the rapture of a small South American village.

I wish I had a photo of it, but I like forgetting it ever existed. “Here, your housewarming present,” she said, handing over what looked like a crumpled up burlap sack. Unrolling it, a scene straight from the depths of hell emerged. She had picked it up in South America and the scene depicted a quaint village. The village people stared at the sky, their black eyes round with horror, their mouths open ‘o’s, hands clapped to their faces in despair. Flaming birds fell from the heavens, setting the adobo huts and palm trees on fire as they fell. Even the donkey looked horrified. The devil gives a gift depicting her reign, and, jokes on us, we nailed it up on the wall to be reminded daily of the imminent rapture.

Thanks.

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